The letter you will never read

It was Friday, February 5th, 2016. I was at my office getting ready to see my last client for the day. I checked my phone, as I normally do in between sessions, and I saw a missed called from my dad. My parents are always calling me durinyg the day, so I brushed it off thinking I'd call him back so I sent him a quick text reminding him that I was at work and that I'd call him later... but before I could send it, he called me again. Something about it made me feel anxious, I thought something might be wrong... so I picked up the phone.

"Hello?" I answered. "Where are you?" my dad said. I knew something was wrong by his voice. "Something has happened and we need to talk," he said. "What happened? Is everything okay?" I panicked. "It's your cousin, Harris."

My first memory of you is in a mall. You were such a cute toddler with blonde hair and blue eyes, but you were screaming and crying so loud.  I remember thinking, "Babies are loud." Then Aunt Lee, your mom, fed you cheerios and you stopped crying. I thought, "who would want cheerios right now?" Our car had cheerios everywhere in it that day.

"Harris killed himself this morning." 

I was 8 and you were 4. I was so excited that you, Aunt Lee, and Uncle Cliff were coming in town to stay with us in Atlanta. I was always the youngest out of all the cousins and my siblings, so when you came into the world you seemed like a real life baby doll to me. I didn’t care that I had to give up my room, and I didn’t mind that you stole my stuffed animal and carried it around all weekend like it was your own. That was the first of many trips and weekends we would spend together. You were an only child and we were the only cousins on our side of the family. When we came to visit it was like we were all siblings.

"Is he dead?" I gasped over the phone as I started to cry. I needed to hear it. "Yes, he's dead."

At that moment I'm not sure whether my body went numb or whether I was feeling so much that my brain couldn't process it. My arms were tingling, my ears were ringing, and my heart was pounding so fast that I thought it could leap out of my chest. It seemed like I was inside of a tunnel. 

My brother is 8 years older than you, but you thought he was the coolest thing since sliced bread. You wanted him to play with ALL of your toys. He was your favorite person. Then you went through a stage where you were incredibly shy and you would hide in places around your house and peek out at us and then run away. I remember you looking at us through your bedroom window and ducking when we made eye contact. Your room always looked like something exploded in it. That never changed even as you got older. You had more toys and crap than a day care.

I had to call my office to tell them I was leaving and tell them to cancel my client...that my cousin had killed himself. Something we hear all to often as a counseling center. Saying it out loud for the first time was horribly painful. "My cousin killed himself, I can't breathe, I have to leave the office." 

Every time I saw you, you got a little bit taller. Eventually you were 6 feet tall and 200 pounds, and you were a football king. I remember coming to watch you play at MBA with my dad. You started and you were amazing. A few years later it came time for you to graduate from high school, and we watched you walk across that lawn in your suit and tie. It rained that day, but we were so proud. I was so proud of you.

That summer you took a trip to Argentina and you started dating a girl for the first time. It was then that I actually realized you had grown up and were finding your own way. We gave you so much crap for finally having a girlfriend. You hated it.Then you headed off to Tulane. You were so smart and we were so excited for you. You pledged SAE and followed in my dad’s and our grandfather’s footsteps. We stayed in touch but we were in different worlds. You were young and developing an identity and trying to get comfortable in your own skin.

The days following your death are not happy, but they will stick in my mind for the rest of my life. Driving to Nashville and watching our family fall apart and trying to pick up the pieces you left behind was the most painful thing I have ever felt. Watching people pour into a giant church to celebrate your life that you let go. Being at the house where we celebrated so many holidays, now to mourn your loss. Looking around the room and realizing that you would never be there again; that once again I am the youngest cousin. 

Looking back I am struck with guilt. What could I have done if I had known? Every day teens walk into my office and I listen to them share their deepest, sometimes darkest, feelings and thoughts. I'm clinically trained to intervene when people are thinking of killing themselves, I'm not perfect, but I know how to step in. I know how to ask those difficult questions. And I didn't do that for you; I didn't know.

And so this is my journey...helping to rebuild our family that will always grieve your absence. Working to fill a void that can never quite be filled. Strengthening my heart so that your memory feels safe coming out of my mouth so that I can share you with the world.

I've never been afraid to sit with my clients in their darkest moments. I am still not afraid. It's an honor to sit with someone in their darkness and help uncover and strengthen the hope that is still left. Helping someone brighten the light until it's no longer dark and they can see around them.

Many people will tell me my work is hard, they may say it is heavy and sad... all of this is true yet still they have misunderstood my purpose in working with people contemplating suicide. When it is dark it can be hard to see the switch that turns on the light. I just help people find it.

A few weeks ago, I spoke of you. I shared your life, your struggle, and your death with people whom I did not know and some who I did. I asked them to help me to help others, in your honor, so they may have a better life. I did not cry; instead I smiled. Your memory has purpose and it will foster hope in your absence. 

**If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number 1-800-273-8255, the Georgia Crisis and Access Line 1-800-715-4225, or make an appointment with a local professional who can help!**

A little bit of hope

Life is full of moments that make you question everything you have ever believed. It is almost as if you need a little time out, just a few minutes to ask the world for a map - maybe not for directions - but just to know where you will end up. The future can be a scary thing, especially when you do not know where you are going.

We have all experienced hard times in our lives but we somehow continue to move forward - pausing to feel the pain - but not long enough to get stuck. There is a lot to be said about the human mind and heart. We experience pain and we feel despair, but we know it's not permanent. The heart is fragile, but people are resilient. 

Where does this resilience come from? I think it comes from hope; a form of optimism that can change everything. When we experience despair we believe it can break us; that the world has the power to destroy us. Yet it remains true that during the most difficult times we discover our own courage and strength; we find out how strong we really are.

When we feel broken, how do we find hope? How do we believe in our own strength, remember our value, and appreciate our courage?

Family is a huge strength for me; those people who love me no matter what are the greatest assets I have in life. I am blessed with two siblings who are my best friends. There is something remarkable about love and friendship among siblings. I would not trade that for anything. They remind me that while I'm not perfect, I have value.

Friends also give me strength. Never underestimate the importance of those you share your time with or those who choose to share their time with you. Whether you have one good friend or ten... it is the people who can be silent with you in a moment of darkness that mean the most; those important times when presence means more than words. It is not about who is there when you say that you need help, instead it is more about who reaches out just in case you do. It is the people who give without expecting anything in return that are valuable.

Faith is also something I find comfort in during good and bad times. Throughout my life I have found that things tend to work out for the best. What's that saying... when a door closes, don't knock because whatever is behind it was not part of the plan? God's plan has not led me astray. Through the ups and downs, He is there. He only asks that I trust Him, and so I do. I find courage through that trust.

Unfortunately, nothing can really prepare us for or protect us from our realities. There are times when we will inevitably experience suffering, but the knowledge that there is still good despite the bad is powerful. Those are the things we have to hold onto in life; those are the moments that keep us going. That's how we find hope, and that's how we find the strength to be courageous in the midst of challenge.

It is true what they say - just when we think things cannot get any worse, they do. But if that is so, then it must also be true that when we think things cannot get any better, they do. Perhaps it is more about what we choose to believe - maybe what we hope for becomes our reality. 

a helping hand

Robin William's disheartening death has created an increased awareness of suicide and depression among people everywhere. Suicide is tragic and something most of us cannot wrap our heads around. How could someone hide such an intense pain as it slowly closes in on them?

Depression is probably one of most complicated things to explain and one of the most debilitating things to experience. An experience where your thoughts are so intertwined with your feelings that you cannot tell the difference. It is like you are stuck in a hole and the more you climb out to breathe, the more dirt falls on you. Eventually you are up to your neck in dirt and it is no longer possible to continue climbing. Our feelings about ourselves and our lives are deeply controlled by our thoughts, but our thoughts are also deeply controlled by our feelings; a catch-22 for sadness with no exit route.

People are always very surprised to find out that people they know suffer from depression, but most often the things that are hard to feel are also hard to talk about.

I had no idea he was having such a hard time, I did not know anything was wrong, They never talked about it, She always seemed happy...

Depression and suicide shock and confuse people. Most people have a hard time understanding anything that causes a seemingly happy person to hurt themselves, but the truth is that the ability to appear happy and make others smile has nothing to do with sadness. Sometimes you try to make other people happy because you cannot find that type of happiness for yourself. Depression makes you feel like you cannot be rescued, so you create a mask, a facade, to hide what you feel. When you do not think anything can get better it does not make sense to you to talk about it.

It is very true that you should always be kind to people because you never know what someone is going through. But why stop there? I would encourage you to not only be kind - reach out. You have a responsibility to the people you choose to let into your life. You owe it to those people to care for and love on them when they need it. So often people try to tell us how much they need our help, but we do not hear them; we are not listening. We get so caught up in our lives and busy schedules, and we do not see the person reaching out from behind the sadness.

He was always such a great guy, He always made me laugh, She lit up the room, I loved being around him, She was my favorite person, My life will not be the same without you...

What would happen if this out pour of love and kindness that occurs for these people who take their own lives happened all the time - not only after they had given up? What would it look like if we checked in on people and told them we cared? What if we knew the warning signs? I am not blaming anyone; suicide is no one's fault, but depression is a different kind of demon. It convinces you that there is no way out, that you are alone. Let's prove it wrong. Show the people in your life that you care, even if you think they are happy.

I am so glad you are my friend, If you ever need to talk I am here, I care about you, You are special to me, I am glad you are in my life...

I swear if we built each other up half as much as we tore one another down the world would be a much better place.

Silence

"Not telling the truth is the quickest way to turn yourself into a stranger."

One of the first things you are supposed to learn and acknowledge when working with people is that their actions and decisions are generally situational rather than a direct reflection of their character and personality. In doing so, you can avoid a lot of hurt feelings. It can also help a person discover how a particular situation affects them personally; helping them find meaning behind experience.

If we are aware that peoples' actions usually have very little to do with us, why do we still find poor action to be so offensive? Forgetfulness, avoidance, lack of compassion - these things can all be understood within particular contexts. What about deceit? Deceit is something most people cannot understand in any type of context, mostly because the reasons for lying are usually very unclear. Sometimes people lie with good intentions; truths can be personal. Sometimes deceit occurs to protect feelings, but generally a lie hurts more than the truth ever could. Everyone's truth is a little different and maybe some people are not always ready to see what you view to be the truth.

Regardless of intentions, the worst part of a lie is discovering it. Yeah maybe the truth would hurt, but a lie just leaves you feeling confused and frustrated trying to find its necessity.

Generally speaking, I am a very forgiving person. If a person does something to hurt me most times it doesn't even take an apology to earn my forgiveness; actions speak louder than words - although apologies are nice. Empathy allows a person to put him or herself in another person's shoes and understand the outlook that caused the bad actions. Unfortunately, lying is hard for most people, including myself, to understand because honesty seems so simple. Lying is viewed as deliberate where other actions are not.

Trust is the foundation of a friendship and once that's broken, the structure cracks and crumbles. Trust and respect are very intertwined, and it is unlikely for one to exist without the other. It is not so much about the one time that someone lies; rather it is about the fact that you no longer know when he or she is not lying. Lying has the ability to void all future interactions when respect is not present anymore. When you lie to someone you are telling that person that he or she is not worth the truth, and once that value is defined there is not much to fall back on.

It is true that not all lies are meant to be hurtful, so how do you confront and recover from dishonesty? Sometimes you can't, and sometimes you can. If you've been lied to there is a lot to be said about polite confrontation - but sometimes silence speaks volumes.

trains

I have always admired trains - something about them gives me strength. When you're standing on a bridge over a train, you can feel the whole bridge shake. It pulsates through your entire body, and the very knowledge that the train could destroy anything in its path makes you feel out of control. Aside from being loud, trains are also so intentional; constantly moving toward a predetermined destination. That out of control feeling from the shaking bridge is quickly replaced by the realization that the train, much like yourself, is in control of its path. I think it's the goal-oriented behavior that I admire; much like a person who says "I'm doing this and you can't stop me." I like that - trains make great metaphors.

stories on our pages

"There are a lot of little reasons why the big things in our lives happen." - How I Met Your Mother

I have heard that life is similar to a book, each day is a page in our own personal story. Our stories are made up changes and transitions, or chapters, that describe portions of our story. Put them together and they describe our journeys. Each chapter in our life is full of different characters; some temporary, others more permanent. And just like a book, each chapter in our journey is connected in some way. Whether it's circumstances or relationships each page builds off the last. Maybe you meet someone who isn't significant in chapter two but will be in chapter five; or maybe something sad happens in the beginning or middle but ends just how it should on the last page. 

I met one of my best friends when I was eleven - I had a bad hair cut, was overweight, and my face was the size of a cake. It was at a time when I was disappointed because all my friends were in other classes. I didn't know anyone, so I tried to make friends with someone. What at first seemed to be a misfortune ended up creating a friendship that has lasted for fourteen years so far. That particular friendship and other circumstances in my life have led me to numerous other friendships and people throughout my life - connections among pages and chapters that I would never want to change. Sad in the beginning but ends just how it should - although my story is not over just yet. 

But what about the things that don't always end the way we think they should? Would it be fortunate if we could flip back a couple pages, maybe chapters, in our stories and say that we saw it coming - point out the flaw where it all began? Real life doesn't warrant that luxury. Often we think if we could go back, we'd see it coming, and change things - but that's the beauty in life - you can't predict your future and you sure as hell can't change your past. We call it beauty because beauty is unpredictable and certainly unchangeable. 

If we can't go back or read ahead throughout our journeys, if all we can do is have hope in the idea that things will work out for the best, then the least we can do is help write our story. Because you can turn right or you can turn left, you can turn around or keep moving forward; it doesn't actually matter - just so long as the choice is your own - you will end up where you belong.

“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.”

There are two types of fear - rational and irrational. Rational fear exists to protect you, while irrational fear can destroy you if you let it. Irrational fear has a way of tying your hands, holding you back, and anchoring your feet to the ground; only allowing yourself to move forward if you can count on a safety net to catch you.

I have spent a greater part of my life being afraid of things - failure, love, and myself.

I am a perfectionist. If I'm going to do something, it's going to be done well, and if it can't be then I won't do it at all. Sometimes this is an admirable quality and other times it's troublesome because what happens when my best isn't good enough? The truth is that no one should aspire for perfection; it's not achievable because it doesn't exist. Failure is inevitable because it's part of life - it's how you respond to failure that actually matters. Are you going to let it hold you back or  will you embrace it and learn from it? If you want to win you have to learn how to lose first. 

Love is the most challenging thing I've attempted to embrace throughout my life. Love is full of moments that manage to remind you of all your strengths and weaknesses at the same time. However challenging - good love is rewarding; it drowns out fear. But bad love is lonely. 

Deciding to let go of the fear has been the hardest, yet greatest, thing I have ever done. The fear of being myself was replaced by courage to say what I think; what I want. I tend to wear my emotions and thoughts on my sleeves at all times; surrounding myself with people who allow me that leniency is also one of the greatest thing I've done for myself - or rather the greatest thing they've done for me.

Despite all I've learned about fear it still remains, and the worst part of fear is simply knowing that it exists. You see what you want, but you feel what holds you back. But what happens when we stop pulling back? Is falling really that bad? Life is full of moments where you can choose to embrace your fear or let it control you. If you let it control you forever you will lose yourself, but if you embrace it - the options are endless. Maybe fear never actually goes away, but it does lose its power over us when we choose to overcome it. 

Once we embrace our fears we don't need a safety net to fall - we just fall - and land on our feet.