Hard questions

“Thomas Edison’s last words were ‘It’s very beautiful over there’. I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.” — John Green

When I was ten years old I lost a friend to tragic circumstances. Anna was on her way to girl scout camp when her mom, brother, and she stopped at a gas station to get a snack. She was getting a soda when a neon sign came loose and fell on her neck. She died instantly. 

Going to her funeral was extremely traumatic. Her family chose to have an open casket, and I can still see her in my head. I still remember how I felt; overwhelmed with grief and sadness.

I remember telling my mom her death wasn't fair. Why Anna? Anna was one of the kindest, most caring people I had ever met. She didn't deserve to die, especially not in that way. 

Ten years later I lost another friend. Scott had a way of making you feel special. He was friends with everyone; he didn't care if you were the coolest person or the biggest loser in the entire world - he'd still talk to you; he'd still be your friend. He was also one of the brightest people I've ever met. We used to hum songs for him, and he'd turn around and play them perfectly on the piano. When we all went to college I briefly lost touch with Scott, just like I did with a lot of people; certain that I'd see him when we all got together back home during breaks. Finding out that something had happened to this kind, amazing friend rocked my world and left me with a lot of regrets. Scott, like so many others, deserved to be here. He didn't deserve to be taken from us at such a young age. 

I've always known that life doesn't last forever, but it has been death that showed me just how short life really is.

I don't talk a lot about my faith and beliefs to people, mostly because they are mine and not yours. However, I've been asked several times, "If there's a God, then why is there so much pain and suffering in the world? Why do so many bad things happen to good people?"

My answer is simply that I don't have an answer to that question.  

Death has a way of making us feel powerless and weak; it leaves us asking questions we will never have the answers to.

Religion can be used as a source of great fulfillment and for people to do a lot of good in the world. We need more of that. We need people to love and help one another in this world that can sometimes be unfair and cruel. I commend people who use their faith for the greater good. 

But sometimes religion is not used for the greater good. It is used as a way to govern the masses, to achieve power, and to ascertain political status. But if you're asking me, that's not what Christianity is about. I believe there is a God, and that He has our best interest in mind. He is there when we need to talk and even when we do not. He helps guide us when we are lost; that I am sure of.

I believe in a God that practices love, for everyone. 

My point is that I've seen a lot of bad in the world and I've felt it personally. Life isn't always fair, but that doesn't mean God doesn't exist. I mean, you can't see love... love doesn't prevent bad things from happening, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. 

So, I've tried to come up with an answer to the previously stated question.

I don't know why death and bad things happen, but I do know that the hard times we experience help us to appreciate the good times. God takes people from us and that causes a lot of pain. And no, it's not fair; it's awful. One day I will find out why it happens, but until then it will teach me to appreciate the people who are still here with me. The people who make me smile, laugh, and even cry. 

I think that's what having faith is all about. Faith is about being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). 

don't blink

I've always heard that we shouldn't get so focused on the future that we miss out on all the little things along the way. There is so much truth in that - you can't get so focused on what's to come that you forget to appreciate what's right in front of you. Wouldn't it have been nice for someone to tell us that when we were five and didn't appreciate that mid-day nap? 

The truth is that life passes us by in the blink of an eye and you don't realize it until it's happened. There are so many things we put off in order to focus on something else - I can't tell you the number of times I've told myself I'd do something only to find myself caught up in something else.  

I think we tend to tell ourselves we will do all the things we have planned once we have our life figured out. Yeah! Let's do all these fun things once we get our shit together. But we all know that never happens; we never really get our life together. Life is a process, so we should act accordingly and treat it as such. We should do all the things we want to do - when we want to do them - and stop putting it off. 

I've been constructing a mental bucket list for years, taking note of and imagining all the things I want to accomplish. This has been great until I came to a startling realization recently... 30 doesn't seem that old or that far away anymore and I haven't done much of what I've set out to do. 

I'm one of those people who has a lot of ideas. I jump from one thing to another and sometimes I tend to start things I can't finish. So, I've decided that in lieu of turning 25 in a few months that I would officially make a physical, written bucket list. Now, just to be clear, there's no time limit on my bucket list. Life should be a continuing journey, however; I want to make my list concrete so I don't lose sight of what's important to me in the moment  - whatever moment I'm in. 

Here it goes, in no particular order, since the little things in life are just as important as the big things:

1. get my Master's degree in counseling (almost there!)
2. become an LPC
3. become an LMFT
4. have my own counseling practice
5. travel to Italy, Paris, Ireland and Scotland
6. run a marathon
7. eat dinner at a restaurant by myself
8. do something kind for a complete stranger
9. own a beach house  
10. write a book
11. complete a triathlon 
12. have abs
13. take a photography class
14. make a significant difference in someone's life 
15. cook a steak on a grill by myself
16. visit Washington, D.C. and California
17. go horseback riding on a trail
18. go to a winery
19. fly first class
20. get a tattoo
21. volunteer at a crisis/trauma center
22. keep reading books
23. own a dog
24. go to a movie alone
25. fly a kite
26. conquer a fear
27. hear my child call me mom for the first time


That about sums me up for the moment. What's on your bucket list?



“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” - Ernest Hemingway

Answers

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself or everyone else." - Silver Linings Playbook

Most people want answers about life; they want to know a purpose, a deeper meaning. We spend a lot of time searching for explanations that don't exist. Sometimes things just are.

The world is a weird place, full of strange things, most of which I cannot explain. But if there is one thing I can explain, it's that however disconnected and illogical things seem, everything happens for a reason. What that reason is, I couldn't tell you, I just know there is one. And it's good.

I know that I say this a lot, but things have a funny way of working out and you can try to ignore change - or you can choose to embrace it - either way fate finds us on the road we take to avoid it.

There are some things we just can't avoid. We can try, but you can be sure that the world will find a way to bring it to your attention and force us to acknowledge its significance.  

You can't fight the inevitable, so does it really do us any good to have the answers? Just enjoy and trust the ride.