a helping hand

Robin William's disheartening death has created an increased awareness of suicide and depression among people everywhere. Suicide is tragic and something most of us cannot wrap our heads around. How could someone hide such an intense pain as it slowly closes in on them?

Depression is probably one of most complicated things to explain and one of the most debilitating things to experience. An experience where your thoughts are so intertwined with your feelings that you cannot tell the difference. It is like you are stuck in a hole and the more you climb out to breathe, the more dirt falls on you. Eventually you are up to your neck in dirt and it is no longer possible to continue climbing. Our feelings about ourselves and our lives are deeply controlled by our thoughts, but our thoughts are also deeply controlled by our feelings; a catch-22 for sadness with no exit route.

People are always very surprised to find out that people they know suffer from depression, but most often the things that are hard to feel are also hard to talk about.

I had no idea he was having such a hard time, I did not know anything was wrong, They never talked about it, She always seemed happy...

Depression and suicide shock and confuse people. Most people have a hard time understanding anything that causes a seemingly happy person to hurt themselves, but the truth is that the ability to appear happy and make others smile has nothing to do with sadness. Sometimes you try to make other people happy because you cannot find that type of happiness for yourself. Depression makes you feel like you cannot be rescued, so you create a mask, a facade, to hide what you feel. When you do not think anything can get better it does not make sense to you to talk about it.

It is very true that you should always be kind to people because you never know what someone is going through. But why stop there? I would encourage you to not only be kind - reach out. You have a responsibility to the people you choose to let into your life. You owe it to those people to care for and love on them when they need it. So often people try to tell us how much they need our help, but we do not hear them; we are not listening. We get so caught up in our lives and busy schedules, and we do not see the person reaching out from behind the sadness.

He was always such a great guy, He always made me laugh, She lit up the room, I loved being around him, She was my favorite person, My life will not be the same without you...

What would happen if this out pour of love and kindness that occurs for these people who take their own lives happened all the time - not only after they had given up? What would it look like if we checked in on people and told them we cared? What if we knew the warning signs? I am not blaming anyone; suicide is no one's fault, but depression is a different kind of demon. It convinces you that there is no way out, that you are alone. Let's prove it wrong. Show the people in your life that you care, even if you think they are happy.

I am so glad you are my friend, If you ever need to talk I am here, I care about you, You are special to me, I am glad you are in my life...

I swear if we built each other up half as much as we tore one another down the world would be a much better place.

Silence

"Not telling the truth is the quickest way to turn yourself into a stranger."

One of the first things you are supposed to learn and acknowledge when working with people is that their actions and decisions are generally situational rather than a direct reflection of their character and personality. In doing so, you can avoid a lot of hurt feelings. It can also help a person discover how a particular situation affects them personally; helping them find meaning behind experience.

If we are aware that peoples' actions usually have very little to do with us, why do we still find poor action to be so offensive? Forgetfulness, avoidance, lack of compassion - these things can all be understood within particular contexts. What about deceit? Deceit is something most people cannot understand in any type of context, mostly because the reasons for lying are usually very unclear. Sometimes people lie with good intentions; truths can be personal. Sometimes deceit occurs to protect feelings, but generally a lie hurts more than the truth ever could. Everyone's truth is a little different and maybe some people are not always ready to see what you view to be the truth.

Regardless of intentions, the worst part of a lie is discovering it. Yeah maybe the truth would hurt, but a lie just leaves you feeling confused and frustrated trying to find its necessity.

Generally speaking, I am a very forgiving person. If a person does something to hurt me most times it doesn't even take an apology to earn my forgiveness; actions speak louder than words - although apologies are nice. Empathy allows a person to put him or herself in another person's shoes and understand the outlook that caused the bad actions. Unfortunately, lying is hard for most people, including myself, to understand because honesty seems so simple. Lying is viewed as deliberate where other actions are not.

Trust is the foundation of a friendship and once that's broken, the structure cracks and crumbles. Trust and respect are very intertwined, and it is unlikely for one to exist without the other. It is not so much about the one time that someone lies; rather it is about the fact that you no longer know when he or she is not lying. Lying has the ability to void all future interactions when respect is not present anymore. When you lie to someone you are telling that person that he or she is not worth the truth, and once that value is defined there is not much to fall back on.

It is true that not all lies are meant to be hurtful, so how do you confront and recover from dishonesty? Sometimes you can't, and sometimes you can. If you've been lied to there is a lot to be said about polite confrontation - but sometimes silence speaks volumes.

trains

I have always admired trains - something about them gives me strength. When you're standing on a bridge over a train, you can feel the whole bridge shake. It pulsates through your entire body, and the very knowledge that the train could destroy anything in its path makes you feel out of control. Aside from being loud, trains are also so intentional; constantly moving toward a predetermined destination. That out of control feeling from the shaking bridge is quickly replaced by the realization that the train, much like yourself, is in control of its path. I think it's the goal-oriented behavior that I admire; much like a person who says "I'm doing this and you can't stop me." I like that - trains make great metaphors.

stories on our pages

"There are a lot of little reasons why the big things in our lives happen." - How I Met Your Mother

I have heard that life is similar to a book, each day is a page in our own personal story. Our stories are made up changes and transitions, or chapters, that describe portions of our story. Put them together and they describe our journeys. Each chapter in our life is full of different characters; some temporary, others more permanent. And just like a book, each chapter in our journey is connected in some way. Whether it's circumstances or relationships each page builds off the last. Maybe you meet someone who isn't significant in chapter two but will be in chapter five; or maybe something sad happens in the beginning or middle but ends just how it should on the last page. 

I met one of my best friends when I was eleven - I had a bad hair cut, was overweight, and my face was the size of a cake. It was at a time when I was disappointed because all my friends were in other classes. I didn't know anyone, so I tried to make friends with someone. What at first seemed to be a misfortune ended up creating a friendship that has lasted for fourteen years so far. That particular friendship and other circumstances in my life have led me to numerous other friendships and people throughout my life - connections among pages and chapters that I would never want to change. Sad in the beginning but ends just how it should - although my story is not over just yet. 

But what about the things that don't always end the way we think they should? Would it be fortunate if we could flip back a couple pages, maybe chapters, in our stories and say that we saw it coming - point out the flaw where it all began? Real life doesn't warrant that luxury. Often we think if we could go back, we'd see it coming, and change things - but that's the beauty in life - you can't predict your future and you sure as hell can't change your past. We call it beauty because beauty is unpredictable and certainly unchangeable. 

If we can't go back or read ahead throughout our journeys, if all we can do is have hope in the idea that things will work out for the best, then the least we can do is help write our story. Because you can turn right or you can turn left, you can turn around or keep moving forward; it doesn't actually matter - just so long as the choice is your own - you will end up where you belong.

“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid.”

There are two types of fear - rational and irrational. Rational fear exists to protect you, while irrational fear can destroy you if you let it. Irrational fear has a way of tying your hands, holding you back, and anchoring your feet to the ground; only allowing yourself to move forward if you can count on a safety net to catch you.

I have spent a greater part of my life being afraid of things - failure, love, and myself.

I am a perfectionist. If I'm going to do something, it's going to be done well, and if it can't be then I won't do it at all. Sometimes this is an admirable quality and other times it's troublesome because what happens when my best isn't good enough? The truth is that no one should aspire for perfection; it's not achievable because it doesn't exist. Failure is inevitable because it's part of life - it's how you respond to failure that actually matters. Are you going to let it hold you back or  will you embrace it and learn from it? If you want to win you have to learn how to lose first. 

Love is the most challenging thing I've attempted to embrace throughout my life. Love is full of moments that manage to remind you of all your strengths and weaknesses at the same time. However challenging - good love is rewarding; it drowns out fear. But bad love is lonely. 

Deciding to let go of the fear has been the hardest, yet greatest, thing I have ever done. The fear of being myself was replaced by courage to say what I think; what I want. I tend to wear my emotions and thoughts on my sleeves at all times; surrounding myself with people who allow me that leniency is also one of the greatest thing I've done for myself - or rather the greatest thing they've done for me.

Despite all I've learned about fear it still remains, and the worst part of fear is simply knowing that it exists. You see what you want, but you feel what holds you back. But what happens when we stop pulling back? Is falling really that bad? Life is full of moments where you can choose to embrace your fear or let it control you. If you let it control you forever you will lose yourself, but if you embrace it - the options are endless. Maybe fear never actually goes away, but it does lose its power over us when we choose to overcome it. 

Once we embrace our fears we don't need a safety net to fall - we just fall - and land on our feet. 

Hard questions

“Thomas Edison’s last words were ‘It’s very beautiful over there’. I don’t know where there is, but I believe it’s somewhere, and I hope it’s beautiful.” — John Green

When I was ten years old I lost a friend to tragic circumstances. Anna was on her way to girl scout camp when her mom, brother, and she stopped at a gas station to get a snack. She was getting a soda when a neon sign came loose and fell on her neck. She died instantly. 

Going to her funeral was extremely traumatic. Her family chose to have an open casket, and I can still see her in my head. I still remember how I felt; overwhelmed with grief and sadness.

I remember telling my mom her death wasn't fair. Why Anna? Anna was one of the kindest, most caring people I had ever met. She didn't deserve to die, especially not in that way. 

Ten years later I lost another friend. Scott had a way of making you feel special. He was friends with everyone; he didn't care if you were the coolest person or the biggest loser in the entire world - he'd still talk to you; he'd still be your friend. He was also one of the brightest people I've ever met. We used to hum songs for him, and he'd turn around and play them perfectly on the piano. When we all went to college I briefly lost touch with Scott, just like I did with a lot of people; certain that I'd see him when we all got together back home during breaks. Finding out that something had happened to this kind, amazing friend rocked my world and left me with a lot of regrets. Scott, like so many others, deserved to be here. He didn't deserve to be taken from us at such a young age. 

I've always known that life doesn't last forever, but it has been death that showed me just how short life really is.

I don't talk a lot about my faith and beliefs to people, mostly because they are mine and not yours. However, I've been asked several times, "If there's a God, then why is there so much pain and suffering in the world? Why do so many bad things happen to good people?"

My answer is simply that I don't have an answer to that question.  

Death has a way of making us feel powerless and weak; it leaves us asking questions we will never have the answers to.

Religion can be used as a source of great fulfillment and for people to do a lot of good in the world. We need more of that. We need people to love and help one another in this world that can sometimes be unfair and cruel. I commend people who use their faith for the greater good. 

But sometimes religion is not used for the greater good. It is used as a way to govern the masses, to achieve power, and to ascertain political status. But if you're asking me, that's not what Christianity is about. I believe there is a God, and that He has our best interest in mind. He is there when we need to talk and even when we do not. He helps guide us when we are lost; that I am sure of.

I believe in a God that practices love, for everyone. 

My point is that I've seen a lot of bad in the world and I've felt it personally. Life isn't always fair, but that doesn't mean God doesn't exist. I mean, you can't see love... love doesn't prevent bad things from happening, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. 

So, I've tried to come up with an answer to the previously stated question.

I don't know why death and bad things happen, but I do know that the hard times we experience help us to appreciate the good times. God takes people from us and that causes a lot of pain. And no, it's not fair; it's awful. One day I will find out why it happens, but until then it will teach me to appreciate the people who are still here with me. The people who make me smile, laugh, and even cry. 

I think that's what having faith is all about. Faith is about being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). 

don't blink

I've always heard that we shouldn't get so focused on the future that we miss out on all the little things along the way. There is so much truth in that - you can't get so focused on what's to come that you forget to appreciate what's right in front of you. Wouldn't it have been nice for someone to tell us that when we were five and didn't appreciate that mid-day nap? 

The truth is that life passes us by in the blink of an eye and you don't realize it until it's happened. There are so many things we put off in order to focus on something else - I can't tell you the number of times I've told myself I'd do something only to find myself caught up in something else.  

I think we tend to tell ourselves we will do all the things we have planned once we have our life figured out. Yeah! Let's do all these fun things once we get our shit together. But we all know that never happens; we never really get our life together. Life is a process, so we should act accordingly and treat it as such. We should do all the things we want to do - when we want to do them - and stop putting it off. 

I've been constructing a mental bucket list for years, taking note of and imagining all the things I want to accomplish. This has been great until I came to a startling realization recently... 30 doesn't seem that old or that far away anymore and I haven't done much of what I've set out to do. 

I'm one of those people who has a lot of ideas. I jump from one thing to another and sometimes I tend to start things I can't finish. So, I've decided that in lieu of turning 25 in a few months that I would officially make a physical, written bucket list. Now, just to be clear, there's no time limit on my bucket list. Life should be a continuing journey, however; I want to make my list concrete so I don't lose sight of what's important to me in the moment  - whatever moment I'm in. 

Here it goes, in no particular order, since the little things in life are just as important as the big things:

1. get my Master's degree in counseling (almost there!)
2. become an LPC
3. become an LMFT
4. have my own counseling practice
5. travel to Italy, Paris, Ireland and Scotland
6. run a marathon
7. eat dinner at a restaurant by myself
8. do something kind for a complete stranger
9. own a beach house  
10. write a book
11. complete a triathlon 
12. have abs
13. take a photography class
14. make a significant difference in someone's life 
15. cook a steak on a grill by myself
16. visit Washington, D.C. and California
17. go horseback riding on a trail
18. go to a winery
19. fly first class
20. get a tattoo
21. volunteer at a crisis/trauma center
22. keep reading books
23. own a dog
24. go to a movie alone
25. fly a kite
26. conquer a fear
27. hear my child call me mom for the first time


That about sums me up for the moment. What's on your bucket list?



“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” - Ernest Hemingway

Answers

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself or everyone else." - Silver Linings Playbook

Most people want answers about life; they want to know a purpose, a deeper meaning. We spend a lot of time searching for explanations that don't exist. Sometimes things just are.

The world is a weird place, full of strange things, most of which I cannot explain. But if there is one thing I can explain, it's that however disconnected and illogical things seem, everything happens for a reason. What that reason is, I couldn't tell you, I just know there is one. And it's good.

I know that I say this a lot, but things have a funny way of working out and you can try to ignore change - or you can choose to embrace it - either way fate finds us on the road we take to avoid it.

There are some things we just can't avoid. We can try, but you can be sure that the world will find a way to bring it to your attention and force us to acknowledge its significance.  

You can't fight the inevitable, so does it really do us any good to have the answers? Just enjoy and trust the ride. 

Happiness comes from within

You'll hear the word fulfillment a lot in life, but what does it mean? I'm still figuring it out, but I know for sure that if you seek it solely in someone else you will never find it. The words 'happiness' and 'satisfied' are commonly used to describe feelings in relationships, but they are also two important things you must find inside yourself.

We've all heard the phrase "you can't really love someone until you learn to love yourself" or at least most of us have. I've always believed that but never took the time to actually understand what it means. What does it mean to love yourself? Well, first you have to know yourself.

We all know ourselves, right? Wrong. I used to be overly sensitive to people's opinions about me. When people see things about us that we don't see ourselves, it makes us uncomfortable. When you really know yourself, you accept your flaws and learn to love them. None of us are perfect.

Second, you do things that make you happy. You start to make goals and accomplish tasks on your own accord. This is where that word 'fulfillment' comes into play. You accomplish things in your life that you can identify with - things that make you proud.

Last but not least, you learn to be self-sufficient. No one is ever going to love you the way you love yourself. As much as we want to be good and do good, we are selfish at times. Yes, you should be able to rely on your partner for a lot of things - but you also need to learn to take care of yourself. You can't expect someone to do that for you.

Ultimately our happiness must come from within. 

The sign said don't do it, so naturally I did.

It's interesting how as we age, so do our problems. The problems we had when we were teenagers are not the problems we have today. We are now faced with decisions and choices that could end up affecting the rest of our lives.

That's not scary, that's terrifying.

There are so many blogs and articles surfacing at the moment about all the things you should do before you settle down and all the decisions you need to have made before a certain age. It's really pretty scary because if you haven't reached that point in your life yet, all those choices can be quite daunting.

The good new is that life isn't that cut and dry and choices really aren't that scary.

You can't be afraid of making choices or decisions. Yeah, you might make the wrong choice at some point. No, actually you will make the wrong choice at some point. You're going to make a mistake, not once but two, three, maybe four times. And then you'll do it again. But you'll survive.

The mistakes you make are not going to destroy the rest of your life, because as I've written on here before - everything happens for a reason. You can't let fear hold you back.

In the end, you have to ask yourself what kind of person you are. Do you believe in signs, do you see miracles, or do you believe that people just get lucky? Or, look at the question this way: is it possible that there are no coincidences?

I believe that life has a funny way of working itself out and ultimately we end up where we belong.

A Better Place

On my way to class one day, I saw a man holding a sign asking for food. Not money, food. I usually bring my dinner to class with me since it's an evening class. I had popcorn, an apple and a bag of carrots. I rolled down my window and asked if he wanted some carrots, to which he ran quickly to my car and graciously accepted them. I was struck with sadness, because I had never seen someone so eager for a bag of carrots. Then the light turned green and I told him to have a safe night and drove on.

When I came to the next light, I was hit with this wave of emotion. I felt like such a selfish person. I also had popcorn and an apple, and all I gave to this hungry man was my carrots. I should have given him more. I could have easily stopped and gotten myself food or been hungry for a few hours - where he has no other solution.

I made a U-turn and found the man. I asked him to walk to the QT up the road, because I wanted to buy him dinner. He followed me up there and I bought him as much as I could, bringing him out a few bags of food and water.

He shook my hand, introduced himself, and asked my name. Martin asked about my life and told me about his. I found out he had experienced a series of unfortunate events that led to his homelessness. Eventually we parted ways.

The next week I saw Martin and I bought him dinner again. When I brought it to him he started to cry and told me he was sorry. I asked him why he was apologizing to me when he hadn't done anything wrong. He responded that he hated that he had to ask for my help and that I had to spend my money on him. I told him I was happy to help, that I would want someone to help me - that we're all in this world together.

I couldn't stop thinking about him the rest of the night. I wanted to do more for him; I wanted him to have the comfort of a home and a warm meal. I started to think about all the things I take for granted, things I convince myself that everyone else also has. I mentioned it to a girl in my class to which her response was, "You'll see people like that all over here. You'll drive yourself crazy if you get upset, because you can't help them all. That was nice of you to talk to him though."

Her response was very typical, but it made me think. When did we as a society decide to lump people, who are desperate for help, into a lump sum? Into a group of "things" not worthy of conversation or assistance. I've seen this epidemic where people who have so much turn people who have nothing into criminals. Since when does being poor and homeless make you any less human? When did Martin become unworthy of my conversation and a handshake? It was a pleasure to talk to Martin.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't believe having money or privileges is a right. It's a blessing.

Sure, a lot of us work really hard for our money - but a lot of us were also born into our privileged situations at one point. A lot of people are born into families that were fairly well off, and so they had the money to go to college, get a great education, and then eventually get a decent job. They didn't have to struggle as much as less privileged people did. That's not to say that people who have wealthy parents don't have to help pay for college or support themselves, I'm just saying that it's not comparable to a kid who is born into a very poor family who might have to eventually work to help support his family or keep a roof over his head. Where is his money to go to college? Sure, there are loans. But what you have to realize is that these people also tend to not always finish high school because they are focused on making money or get sucked into nonproductive ways of money making. What we need to realize as a society is that it's a trickle down effect. People who are born with privileges are inevitably more privileged. You might think "just get a job" or "just go to college" but it's not that easy. We wouldn't know how hard it is because we've never been there.

I guess my point is that things are not always as black and white as we'd like them to be. But we can learn so much from people if we just give them a chance. Not all homeless people are drug addicts or alcoholics, and regardless they still need help. I think people tend to stereotype homeless people as being worthless, because it makes them feel less guilty about not caring or not helping.

I can't feed all the homeless people in the world, but I definitely don't mind trying. I don't have that much, but it's a whole lot more than Martin has. And every little bit helps.

In the end, if we spent more time loving and helping one another the world would be a better place.



"Do not educate your children to be rich. Educate them to be happy. So when they grow up, they'll know the value of things, not the price." - Anonymous 

Resolutions

New year, new beginnings which means it's time for new years resolutions.

Generally people tend to give up habits that are relatively painless and nonproductive - but wouldn't it be great to do something for the better? Something that actually matters in your life.

Perhaps we should all strive to make ourselves happier - whatever that may entail. We should attempt to chase our dreams more frequently and never give up. We should let go of the things in our lives that don't make us happy, and never let go of the things that do.

This year find out what makes you happy and do it frequently.